Life - Yellow

 Assalamualaikum

It's been a while since my last writing. 

I like the idea of vanishing into thin air;

Where specific targeted people I hope would search for me. 

And I hope for them to feel what it's like when I'm gone. 

And I hope it's painful. 

Sometimes I like to indulge in the feeling of being forgotten,

Or left behind. 

When I lay low in the bed alone, hoping for the time to tick faster,

Just to feel your presence that I've always longed for.

Thrice or more times I told you I am no longer your drive,

And what it is there that keeps you from me. 

I adore your commitment, but I need more time with you, from you. 

So I always hope you'll listen to me for the rest of your life. 

I can no longer eat spicy food. 

I taught my brother to be stronger and that food is tasteless without its spices, 

But now we both can no longer skip meals and love samyang. 

All my life, Allah always gets me through everything. 

Alhamdulillah life has always been good to me, when I'm no one good myself. 

Allah lets good people into my life, and how lucky I am to be surrounded by them. 

But this year I'm facing something different. 

I hate the shift I went through as I climbed the adulthood ladder,

And now my life is moving differently. 

I have shifted to become someone I once couldn't comprehend. 

And the sins I once mocked are seeping into becoming a habit. 

Is it because of this shift? 

Or is it because I'm too laid back?

Can I know the answer?

I am now sick and worn. 

Please pray for me and pray that I can get on my feet with abundance of rahmat and health. 

And please pray for my baby to be strong. 

And that Allah eases everything for me to welcome him into our world.