Life

Assalamualaikum

There's this one time where you will end up feeling like you're missing something.
Or you've left something behind, or you're being left out.
Or you're losing something, slipping away from you.

I would feel that way every time I left Yid's room.
Every time I stopped a long conversation with someone and their presence vanished.
Every time I finished an anime or a novel.

It's not something good to feel.

It's a void in the heart.

I don't like this feeling. It's the feeling of emptiness.
I want to feel whole.

I think I miss Yid and the scent of her room. I think I miss the moments we prayed together.
I think I miss the way I woke up in the darkness of the morning seeing her being wrapped with that one thick blanket.
I think I miss the times we ate together and talked about anything.
I miss those simple things.

I thought of going back to her room, but then I knew I couldn't live there forever, it's not mine after all.

I thought of reaching out to you, but then I knew it could never be a good thing.
The thought of you would always be in my mind, dancing around without a single guilt.
I didn't want to think of you but you would always fill up my mind. It's sickening and tiring.

I thought of going out to somewhere nice, but I knew it wasn't that nice.
I would end up wasting my time and money.
Finals are coming after all.

I thought of crying myself to sleep, but I wasn't homesick.
I didn't feel sad that I needed to cry.

I thought of calling my dad, but I'd done that last night.

I thought of calling my friend, but for what.

I thought of calling you, but it was the worst thing if I did it.

I wanted to go out and jog for a round in the park, but I was alone.
I didn't feel good about it.

I thought of watching animes and dramas, but I knew I would feel worse than before if I did that.

I knew. and I know.
Everything in this world can never fill up the void in my heart.

Filling it with the worldly materials will only end up destroying my heart and my whole self.

It's something special that only Allah can fill it up for me.
It's somewhere special that only Allah can be there for me.
It's something that only Allah knows what it is.

It's something that only Allah owns it forever.

Only Allah can make me feel whole again.
In the remembrance of Allah I will find ease and peace. 

I know it.

Pray for me.