Life

 Assalamualaikum. 

It's not that you are wondering about me. 

But, let me just tell you about me, the current me.

I am sitting on this light brown couch, trying to tell the sponsor I've finished my study months ago. And my feelings are quite complicated, I think I have the best knight in shining armor, but somehow I decided to let go of the hands months ago. That cloudy decision brought me to my current obsession and headache; it's not a knight; it's cotton candy. A beautiful one. And makes me wonder every day, about my true feelings, what's best for me, and I obviously don't have answers to those questions, thus, the headache. 

I thank Allah, alhamdulillah, for the manuscript on the dark brown wooden table. They want me to be their editor, penyunting luar. And I saw my friend's instagram stories, how she got the free products as their content writer. And I've been wondering about my specialty, my innate talent, and what I've been doing with my degree. I think being a content writer is hard, as you need to be creative to be good at it, but at the same time I want to be one; I want to be a creative writer, a good one, with excellent command of my english. But what I've been doing with my english? I'm forever glad to be a help for my co-workers and my beloved management team at my workplace; it's forever a pleasure for me. But I don't think I'm doing good enough as an english graduate. 

I thought about myself; my iman, my ibadah. I've lost the old me. She was younger and naive back then, less-tainted soul, more energetic, prettier, and better. I want to be forced to wake up for fajr prayer, every single day, to pray at the surau in congregation. To feel guilty if I don't do solat sunat dhuha while others are very good at being istiqamah with it. I want to hear islamic talks, I want people to remind me of Allah, I want to be the me who doesn't talk to ajnabis, let alone hanging out with them (two lost souls, a girl and a boy). 

I miss my university life. Life was so much better back then. There were friends crying along with me, and we laughed out loud even if the jokes weren't funny. We ate ice creams together, and ran through the storm together. I was doing better back then. Liking a friend who never likes me back. But he makes me feel appreciated. Struggling with these heavy eyes in every class. Going out to malls, weekend adventures. Driving out at nights. Wondering about my future. Struggling to run away from naqibahs. Shop till drop. And buying things for my girls. Sleeping on a thin blanket. Wondering what to eat for lunch, but ended up always went for kuah masak lemak cili api. Life was easier back then. And it will always go on.