ThirTeen

 Assalamualaikum It's been a year since I lost you. They said if you were here, you would grow so handsomely, And as a baby, you'd be too cute to handle. It's not that I wanted to be the main character, I guess, I just have to live with the pain. Each time they show their happiness, Wrapping those small little cuties in their sturdy and tired arms, I pray that this is not envy, But I couldn't help but whisper good for you. And each time she shared her fair share of life stories, While appreciating the warmth and trust she poured on to me, My gut would feel suffocated, and in the early days my throat was dry, while my tired eyes were brimming with warm salted tears. It's not easy. It never is.  I know people around have experienced loss at some point, I'm not the only one. But please validate my pain. Please, I beg you. Let me be the main character. So that I won't be crying when you are not blocked on my medias, while reminding me of my loss. Allah's pla...

 Assalamualaikum He once labeled me petite, And a few times made me feel cute, As the wind blew, we were never close to begin with, But we did age the same, in terms of numbers.  The boys looked young, I made a count, Guessing they might be in their youngest 20s.  While me, nearing my 30s.  I never thought I could be this old.  But this is it. I am 26.  It felt like I wore my green attire only yesterday, coming late in attendance on the school bricks.  And my forehead had no single wrinkle. Looking so young and clueless, searching for his broad shoulders.  I wanted to be a teacher, get married, and have two beautiful children.  Life brought me to you. He said the people here got married to the ones working at the same place, My parents and I laughed and I said to myself I had somebody in mind who lived far away from here. But the black shirt became the start of our braid of fate. And last night I wondered to myself what if the shirt was never...

 Assalamualaikum "Allah's plan is always better ," I stumbled upon this quote this morning.  Usually, I'd tell myself "Yes, it is.", And scrolled more without having a second thought on the message. But this morning, the air was unusually cold.  My thought sent me back to the past.  People will try to understand, and my loved ones I guess do understand. But no one can feel it as deeply as I do.  No one has ever felt it, more than I did. I felt you in those beautiful months.  And my dear, please know I cherished you and you're my most precious prize possession.  And a part of me was taken away, as you went away too soon.  I moved on through the days without you, and tears dried up, little by little, time by time, with you on my mind.  And today I came across the quote.  It kills me every time I see someone in your age.  Hoping I'd get to see you run around and hug my legs with your warm little hands.  Wishing I'd get to see my m...

 Assalamualaikum It's been a while since my last writing.  I like the idea of vanishing into thin air; Where specific targeted people I hope would search for me.  And I hope for them to feel what it's like when I'm gone.  And I hope it's painful.  Sometimes I like to indulge in the feeling of being forgotten, Or left behind.  When I lay low in the bed alone, hoping for the time to tick faster, Just to feel your presence that I've always longed for. Thrice or more times I told you I am no longer your drive, And what it is there that keeps you from me.  I adore your commitment, but I need more time with you, from you.  So I always hope you'll listen to me for the rest of your life.  I can no longer eat spicy food.  I taught my brother to be stronger and that food is tasteless without its spices,  But now we both can no longer skip meals and love samyang.  All my life, Allah always gets me through everything.  Alhamdulillah l...

 Assalamualaikum I know many things from you. And from them, stemmed the other wonderful things I love.  I had always dreamed of the city you lived in.  Always wanted to discover the places you went to, And was always starstruck each time I heard the name of your city.  Because it had you in it. It had you in the arms, tight.  Now I live in the city you once were in. And the thought of you no longer crosses my mind so often like before.  But sometimes, listening to his voice reminds me of you.  And how you never really liked his new arts.  I think it's quite weird and funny, How you managed to make me cry like a fool in the train, Was it really love or just another escape infatuation?  Or you were just too kind and nice to me, That it felt like a dream came true if you were to accept me.  Now I'm so thankful to Allah that you never had it in you to hold my hands.  Because now I'm able to meet someone whose hands are perfect.  A...

 Assalamualaikum Taking people for granted sometimes is meant with intentions. They can be pure, and sometimes regarded as remedial purity.  What about you, then? Fathoming love, I always thought was an easy thing to do. All my teenage years spent looking for one,  Blushed and flushed, both love and mad, I always thought my ribs were familiar with the word love and the meaning it brought by. But each night before bed, I wondered what it means to love and be loved? Then the topic of love languages came through. We all have different languages to express our love. What about you, then? What about you?

 Assalamualaikum You're deserving of beautiful songs with sweet melodies, Scenting with roses and bits of peonies, Sweet and citrusy, Just like your favourite drink. In my other dream in another night, I felt suffocated as I missed your natural scent so much. And how much I regretted taking another path, Which no longer lead me to you.  I woke up feeling scared and at ease, As you were laying down next to me, Sleeping soundly and still dashingly looking.  You're a blessing sent by Him. And your whole being is everything I need.  And I want no other.  For all the late nights and early mornings, I could never thank you enough.  And no apology could ever make up for everything. You take me as I am. You see all the shameless flaws I'm owning up and never leave.  You make me feel loved, so much, despite my hideous sides I once scared to show.  You pamper me so much till I forgot how human you are, And how much you mean to me. Now I'm telling you I stil...

 Assalamualaikum You were the first, To help me escape. Breaking down the iron cage I set myself in voluntarily. As we ran through the dark view,  I almost could feel your hold,  And until today it's never solid.  We're the first, The whispers of our circle of friends, She knew what I consciously felt, And both you and your fair-skin friend wanted to know how I felt, About you. I told everyone but you. You were the first, Always there to take a look at me, When your face was the one to adore.  You were the first, after those pointless devotions.  And you, Were the first, to betray what was never in for us.  I always had expected the collision,  But when I saw it, I realised the expectation that I had could never help me to be ready for the heartbreak.  I read her story, and just thought of you. 

 Assalamualaikum Life can be so busy and so relaxing at times. Luxury gives people choices. And at such a young age, I can create choices but it will be fated for doom.  I don't have the luxury. So I began travelling far from my nest. I had always liked strangers' company. I was foolish for thinking they would have the same affection as I did. I tend to forget they were total strangers who never saw my birthmark. So I moved on past them. The distance became bigger. And I became wiser. I made a circle and I kept it small. Even smaller, as the years went by. I always believe those figures in that little circle are worth to keep. So I keep them with me. The wrinkles began to surface.  People mistaken me for someone even younger than my age. I smiled thinking it's a compliment. But then the mirror never lies. I keep seeing that one line of wrinkle, And today my under eyes seem to have few of them.  I have become so busy. Not that I want it. But this life is short and bus...

 Assalamualaikum Walking with nothing serious in mind, Passing by her I heard a slow nostalgic song, Which reminds me of my past, years ago. You were the symbolic of mad, mad love.  I had always thought about what would have happened if I wasn't that crazy, But your love intoxicated me, even in the clearest daylight and burning summer haze.  I also thought about the reasons of me falling into you. I guess it was your beauty which became a very strong magnetic force, Pulling me into your every universe of love and sunshine.  And I still remember the youth feeling of falling in the liking,  Adherently adoring you, And the strong beating pulse which resurfaced as I was chasing you in dreams and reality. It was mad. Hot. And childish.  It was a very short story.  Which taught me the pain of liking someone, The desperation of waiting.  And, how it didn't even matter, Because you're not the one I need in every lifetime I do never own. 

 Assalamualaikum If you were to look at me just a little closer... Akan kelihatan bahawa tiada langit hitam yang dihadiahi. Hanya awan yang kadang-kala mendung, Sejenaknya termenung, Tapi sekali lagi diulang, Mendung itu terjadinya kadang, Dan perarakannya jauh. Jauh. Dari langit yang kita kongsi sama. Senyum yang terukir, Sentiasa bersama kamu tidak perlu dipaksa. Kerana langit yang kita kongsi sama, Ingat akan setiap detik gurauan yang menggelikan hati. Setiap detik manis yang disuapkan. Dalam banyak perkara yang terlupa, Tiada satu antara detik manis itu termasuk sama. Termasuk. Segalanya dalam langit yang kita kongsi sama.  Dalam setiap kegusaran dan kegilaan, Akan ku kenang setiap senyum manis dan kebaikan, Dan pada setiap kali itu hati ini meruntun dan remuk, Kerana apa yang ku balas tidak pernah mampu menjadi setimpal, Dengan setiap kasih yang diberikan tanpa jemu, Walau jam tidak pernah berhenti berdetik. Walau urat hijaumu kelihatan pada dahi penatmu. Untuk setiap cor...

 Assalamualaikum Reading back all of her short stories, I think I've forgotten all those short clips of my life, And I bet I told her all about them, with butterflies in my stomach. It was mundane, black and white. But I was there when you coloured them iridescently. They were between the puzzles and fits, And those stolen stares and glimpses.  You coloured me in those times. It was the upstairs. The new concrete which had become old, And the coldness I felt shiver down the spine.   A lot has been buried down. And I think there's no need for me to dig it back up. It's best for them to be untold, to be forgotten. As the closures were solemn, let it never be returned.  It was the bittersweet moments I had with you, Without you knowing,  Without us being near to each other. The distance between us has always been so great and so big, And I had always known, It was written for us to be apart. So it's time for us to keep the oath, with gold and silver mnemonic, ...

 Assalamualaikum For every turn and return, I have always loved the look you have especially your eyes. I would always find myself absentmindedly adoring you every second I got. All the fights and egoistic episodes that we had, I would always question myself, trying to justify the things I felt, And there was no solid answer that could actually be a valid reason, For the wrath I held in my chest.  You are a saint my love. I find it hard to believe that someone like you does really exist.  These days have made me hallucinate the torment of adulting, I can't seem to change the views I have on the things circulating my life. When others are willing to face the music, being optimistic because they are good people, I most of the time need to force-feed myself with the thoughts of sunshine and rainbows. I do know it is for the betterment of humanity, and most importantly, For the sake of my own self. But these days are hard. And you told me you would be there for us. And you di...

 Assalamualaikum It's been months I guess? These days the monologues shared are within me and my mind only.  People said my looks are pale and clueless. If only they know, The things I keep replaying in my head. The things that keep my beatings awake and I promise you they include what I should have for my next meal.  I honestly don't know what has happened to me. What has befallen me, to make me who I am today. I replayed back the moments I had when I was young. Those people and places, those facades and brutal honesty. Those half-hearted efforts and hard tears.  Those years. I always remember the times I had my demons with me. Well, I still have them with me these days. Those episodes of me and my unleashed devil traits would always make me wonder, Am I destined to be wicked? Or are they here as a test for me as a Muslim? I don't know. Those bad habits and sins are enjoyable while they last. But the heart has always known they can never sit with ease inside your be...

 Assalamualaikum So I heard you got her hand for eternity. Your whole being is anywhere but here, And none of it still matters. I never thought of you the same as before, And it was long gone and we have moved on. I have my handsome lover who is graceful and very much merciful, But sometimes the haunting memories and hurting came back, And sometimes, just like the old breeze in my younghood, I wondered about you. I never saw it as an unfinished bond. I guess I had always wanted to start it and it was okay for me to leave it hanging. And maybe you were never okay with it. I was convinced you were actually pacing back and forth, Between me and her. And I had always known you were in it with her. And it wasn't me.  I never did cry so hard for knowing it. But maybe you need to know I was shattered by it. Even though I saw the pictures of you and her, Even though I knew what was going to happen.  Do not get me wrong. I am happy with what I have now. With what Allah has given m...

 Assalamualaikum If I were to take her sayings about lovers, Then I'd say you're my eternal lavender haze. And if I were to take her eyes for looking at lovers, Then I'd have mistaken you for flecks of lights. Hey you.  I am down in spirals for falling in love each and every time our eyes meet. Aren't the hearts beating together in sync mode since we vowed to be each other's? So why are you hiding your hurt from me? Why aren't we sharing our deepest worries and stories? I will always be in this fight with you. It's with you.  And you will always be my rays of sunshine. My summer in the winter. My whole being in hollowness.  My love, whose vows I carve deeply in my mind and soul. And I will be the same for you.

 Assalamualaikum The small dot under your crystal clear eye; Couldn't describe even with "How lucky am I". And the fallen hair with the look of a dream, Would never be too old the admiration I keep to myself.  In the black of a morning, Your seductive scent I found to linger around. In the days of your warmth and company, I'd still carve a smile the second it touched. In the midst of my weakness, When I couldn't see the logic behind my madness, You stand still in the storms of my rage, And you tell me each time you understood me, And you know what I need, And you be what I need.  In the younger days of my witness, These eyes which capture your perfection, Everything around you was just so perfect, So beautiful, that I became a bee only gets to see your void of flaws. The days where I have you in my arms, I see myself drown in the sublimity of you, Each time you're only getting better and better, And that makes me wonder, Will this be forever and ever. Do I hav...

 Assalamualaikum It's been ages, cliche I would say. But yes, it's been months since the last entry. And in the missing months, life's been bustling since 2015. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah The Almighty, For my life has been blessed with the presence of my beloved, Family, friends, and the newest update; a husband.  It was a roller coaster ride with you sayang.  And referring to the Malay's saying, I'd rather set up the tent beside the sandy part of the earth, And smell oceans every day, if that is what it takes to hold you in my arms.  I am in love with the best, and I hope you feel the same. And I hope this marriage will bring us closer to The Ultimate Owner of Love, Pemilik cinta yang hakiki; our creator, Allah SWT.

 Assalamualaikum The time went by like a whisk of your smell in the room. And everything around me never forces me to, but I'm always missing you.  You were very kind.  To me and everyone else. And remembering that just makes me miss you even more. I got to see the side of you that I never thought I would see on you. I forgot you were just a human, we once lived in the same loving womb. Your perfect scores, moves, face, figure, and heart, all made me forget that you were just a human. Living in this worldly life, full of tests.  I wanted to take on your burden.  I wanted you to be okay. But I think that's your part that you need to face in this journey. I love it when you stopped me from going out on my own. You told me you needed a break after a long day staring at that screen. And I have always admired your company. Now you're in someone's beautiful embrace.  And as much as you do love her, I know she loves you just the same. I have always liked to believ...

Assalamualaikum You're the simpler version of creamy carbonara I've been craving for. Could never get tired of its expensive taste. And I can always find it any time at the back of my minimalist kitchen. The space for you, my spiced creamy carbonara, will always be there. Because I want it to.  You're the random people on the street.  In the crowds of beings on the land and in the sea. You stand and blend in, just like me.  But you got your own place in my heart. It sits in every beat, it rushed every single drop of adrenaline I sometimes subconsciously give in to,  From the first second I knew it's too late for me to run. You're the ordinary type of chocojar. But my all-time favourite callebaut. You're the usual face of peach strudles in the fridge, But forever my Kenny Hills' beautiful peach strudles I've been longing for. You're no actors or singers,  But you're the ultimate masterpiece in my eyes.  You got me running in a circle but now it...