A Little Pft

Assalamualaikum

I told myself I need to get the essay done by today,
But even yesterday was today, but now it has already passed.

I ended up watching another dramas,
Scrolling youtube and discovering songs and many other bands.
I would stop when I feel so useless and everything I do seems like destroying myself.

Sitting in my room I felt the heat from the cement building,
For the past few days I felt the weather was really good, I was good,
But then I remembered this room doesn't have an aircond like the hotel room I lived in and left a few hours ago.
I don't usually let myself cry, because I know crying won't change a thing but sometimes,
Crying does the best when all I could feel are cracks of my own heart inside of me.

I thought about my brother whether he loves the Transcend mp3,
Because I told him Walkman is the best, but then it only has 4GB and I thought about him and his playlist might be needing more than that.
So I chose Transcend but if it were to be a Walkman will his reaction change?
I always think and question things and most of the times I don't really want to know the truth.

Once again your name echoed in my mind loudly it felt like bursting.
Listening to Kodaline only made it worst.
I thought about the things that reminded me of you, and that time when my mom asked me where was the sink, your face popped out in my mind for how many times no one could ever count.
The shoes on displays and I didn't realize I was wondering to myself what was your usual brand.

Last night I told myself I was tired.

I am tired of myself, and my mistakes.
The times when I hurt the ones I love, my stubbornness and every wrong I do.
I'm so tired of myself, I'm not changing.

When people are getting better I'm not following them behind,
When will I be able to do the same? I don't know.

I tried but things kept repeating.

That's why for me the biggest victory in life is when I can finally fight my own self.
The demons inside me and finally, I can be someone who can please my Lord.
I can be someone better and strive hard to be someone that Allah will love me to be.

But you know, life's hard.
And you won't ever change just by making duas and sitting in your room waiting for things to change the moment you wake up.

It's okay, baby steps are amazing. That means you're progressing.
And Allah knows you are struggling.

Ramadhan mubarak.



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