Showing posts from December, 2017



There's this one time where you will end up feeling like you're missing something.
Or you've left something behind, or you're being left out.
Or you're losing something, slipping away from you.

I would feel that way every time I left Yid's room.
Every time I stopped a long conversation with someone and their presence vanished.
Every time I finished an anime or a novel.

It's not something good to feel.

It's a void in the heart.

I don't like this feeling. It's the feeling of emptiness.
I want to feel whole.

I think I miss Yid and the scent of her room. I think I miss the moments we prayed together.
I think I miss the way I woke up in the darkness of the morning seeing her being wrapped with that one thick blanket.
I think I miss the times we ate together and talked about anything.
I miss those simple things.

I thought of going back to her room, but then I knew I couldn't live there forever, it's not mine after all.

I though…

For you I wish nothing but happiness


You might have read it for millions of times,

"People come and go,"

And I once labelled you as one of them.
The 'sommer leave' term was pinned on your back since months ago.

But then I also knew I had actually walked out of others' life like it meant nothing.
I ended up doing the same.

You know what, I think everyone would come to somewhere and they would eventually leave.
After all, nothing is meant to stay in the same place.
We would be moving around, would not we?

But that's if you talk about it physically.

What about the presence in life?
The one you couldn't see but feel.

They left and you felt helpless.
Voids in your heart along with the scars.
Painful, was it?

We could never control people. Some days we could pull them close to us,
But if one day the attraction had gone weaker, moments by moments they bit you,
The thread would become loose,
You just had to let it be. If they chose to stay, then they would.
But if they chose to go awa…

The Feels


Now I am missing you.

You looked up and saw those towels hanging from the green hookers,
You knew tomorrow they would be dry, just like tonight.
You sat on the edge of the bed, the space became a little bit wider,
You knew tomorrow it would be the same, just like tonight.

I looked up and the windows existed behind me, just like always,
I would grab the white towel, which wouldn't turn into a soft blue no more, just like always.
I would have to walk more, the washroom was a little bit far away now, just like always.

We didn't spend much time together, yet I still enjoyed the moment I came to your mom's call,
It's either to refill the pengat or kerabu mangga,
Or have some more food for myself.

Yet I still enjoyed the moment I looked at you and hoped I could sit next to you.

Yet I still enjoyed the moment we talked and laughed before midnights,
Just to catch up with one another for a bit.

I still enjoyed the short trip in your father's car, holding you…



Having you around has always been nice.  In fact, it is extremely nice and warm.  It chases away the coldness I feel from the rest of the days,  It brings in the completion of my needs and everything seems to fall into places. Seeing you near me is satisfying.
You have always told me to change and move on.  Step forward and leave the rotten pages of the storybook behind, step more and please be fast.  I don't know whether the weak me annoys you or you want me to feel good, no more blood and tears but, I know you mean good and no harm at all. The moment I broke down before your very own eyes, the look on your face showed me your endless care and concern.  I felt good in the sadness they unknowingly brought to me.  I felt good because I knew I would always have you inshaallah. 
The words you wrote without a single hint of who the patient was,  If they were for me, I really cherished them.  I knew you would care, but to write and express it, I felt touched.  I felt to…

One Ok Rock - My Sweet Baby


In the journey as I walked aimlessly,
I found you and never thought you would be this precious.
I found you and it happened too fast,
One second passed by me, I knew I couldn't forget about you.

You're my baby, sweet baby.

I kept you in the cage of my heart, thinking all I could ever do to protect you and us.
As I continued the journey, along with you deep in my chest,
I knew I was walking with one aim.

Reaching our destination, which once was mine all alone,
I'd be with you.

I let you out, dancing wild in your white dress.

You're my baby, sweet baby.

The world evolved around us,
Time was moving fast,
It was too fast I turned to my side to see your dust of presence.
Seconds passed, it went away and vanished, just like you.

That was what I thought. You left.

But then I realised I'd been running non-stop.

"You sommer leave," 

One Month


It has been so long since the last I knew about you.
Since the last cold air we breathed, since the last time I felt trouble because of you,
Since the last day I knew it would never last, alhamdulillah.

Months have gone by, before our own eyes.
But the look on your face is still vivid in these eyes of mine.
The memoirs you gave me are still playing in this mind of mine.
The pain I once felt is still here, but it's slowly fading.

I still want to know about you, even the story we once wrote has been buried deep down I don't know where.
I still want you to know and notice sometimes, but I think you've slowly forgotten that I was there.
And you did wait for one season.

I still want to know the truth behind those twisted views you drew me.
Even though people around told me it was too far in the past I shouldn't dig in.

You made it seemed so special.
It's not that I longed for the same as her,

I don't know.

Maybe all I ever need is one explanatio…

One Ok Rock - Notes'n'Words


I had nothing to offer you,
My arms weren't long enough to reach you,
My eyes weren't clear enough to see through you,

My words seemed like they could never convince you to stay.

I ain't rich too.
I ain't the one that could attract you too.
I ain't somebody that could stand in the eyes of the world.

My everything seemed nothing to you.

But if some days you were feeling tired,
I would offer you some drinks so your throat wouldn't be all dried up.

If some days you were feeling broken,
I would try to give you things you would need to mend your soul.

If some days you were feeling worthless,
I would give you the looks of admiration.

If some days you decided to leave 'cause you had had enough,
Once again I would try to say the words that I really meant,

But as always,
My words seemed like they could never convince you to stay.

But it's okay, if it's me.

It has always been like this. If it's me.



I saw her face on that day.
The radiant light shone brightly from that figure.
Herself was overwhelmed with mixed feelings.
We were deep in silence. Yet we both knew one thing.

It was bad. she was counting every tick and it made me sick.
It was bad, she was counting every single day, and all I could say was,
Nothing. I rested my eyes on her. We both knew one thing.

She kept it to herself. But I knew she was waiting for it.
Without an aim, just like always. Knowing her,
I knew she would go through that day without plans or ruined plans, if she did make a few.

Days were passing by us, I noticed she did no longer count the tick.
The lids were closed and opened, repeated steps and she now once again was overwhelmed,
With mixed feelings.

The daylight was out and last night she couldn't sleep well.
Her movings kept me wide awake. I tried to speak out my thoughts,
But all I could say was, once again nothing.

Knowing her, she would pretend to be fine but I knew all she wan…

Thank You


For everything you taught me, you will forever have my thanks.
I really, really do appreciate every bit of it, I really do.
A part of me is made from it. So thank you.

For coming in late and made me feel warm on that one evening,
You will forever be remembered. I really smiled and cherished those words of yours.
They were so beautiful and every piece of them was meaningful, for me.
So thank you.

For ignoring me when I thought I needed you, but actually I don't,
Thank you.

For your little attention when I thought I needed its whole, but actually I don't,
Thank you.

For breaking me when I thought you could mend me, but actually you couldn't,
Thank you.

For leaving me when I thought I needed you to stay, and you were here to stay,
But actually we both knew, your presence could never be forever here.
Your presence wasn't mine to keep. Your presence belonged to somewhere else.
I don't know where, but totally it's not here.
But remember that we all be…

Something Inside 2#


The nights you called out for me,
I thought I should be thankful,
At least I knew someone needed me.
At least I knew,
Someone kept my existence.

The nights you told me about you,
I thought I was in trouble,
I couldn't bear anyone's trust in me, I was afraid I might break it.
But I tried to bear those things, along with you.

I tried to feel the same as you.
But I'd always known we could never be one.
You and I were different. I could never feel you deep enough, neither you could.

The nights you said you were worthless.
I thought I was going to be mad. In fact I was,
I asked you the reasons of you telling yourself you're worthless,
You told me none. I thought you weren't one as there was no solid reason.
You told me you were. I told you no.
I asked for reasons but once again you could not come with any.
You couldn't. Because you weren't one.
You were not worthless.

I was always worried about me, being with you. Whenever you needed me.
I knew I…

Little Things


The days you didn't believe in yourself,
I had always told myself that you got everything that anyone could ever wish for.

The days you went to your past and regretting your mistakes,
I had always told myself that you'd been walking and turning around, changing to be someone better.

The days you told yourself you shouldn't be here, there and anywhere,
I had always told myself that the ground beneath your feet was feeling proud to hold you tight.

The days you didn't believe in yourself,
I always tried to show you I was there to believe in you.
I was there to catch your back whenever the burden you were holding twisted your head you were unstable physically and emotionally.
I was trying my best, to be there. For you.

The fact that I didn't even know who you really are,
But always believed that you were so extra in anything and so good,
Do not ask me why.

I just felt like I needed you to have some faith.
In yourself.

Allah has created you beautifully.

The Script - Man on a Wire


"I'd like to be,

Your peace in your grief,
Painting your sky in blue again,
While kissing the dark clouds goodbye,
I am finally blessed with your smile.

Your storm in your groan,
No need to hold in, let it all go,
While watching you scream your lungs out,
I am finally blessed with your smile, even in tears.

Your need in every indeed,
But these are the wants that should not be the needs,
Until I am the ultimate need for all your needs.

'cause right now I'm nothing"